Murder on the Orient Express

Murder on the Orient ExpressDirector: Kenneth Branagh
Run Time: 1h 54m
Stars: 1.5

All aboard! For the longest train ride of your life. (Yes, even longer than Snowpiercer.) Continue reading


The Snowman

Snowman, TheDirector: Tomas Alfredson
Run Time: 1h 59m
Stars: 1.5

Bahahahahahahahaha!!! This is the worst. Continue reading

Nocturnal Animals

nocturnal-animalsDirector: Tom Ford
Run Time: 1h 56m
Stars: 2.0

In college I had to take Comp Lit. My left-brained self was less than thrilled when we started our poetry segment. I remember one assignment where I had to read a poem about this girl who was trying to braid her hair but it was wet, and analyze it. I sat at our kitchen table in tears as I screamed “I don’t get it! Why won’t she just grab a freakin’ towel? What is her problem!?” My ├╝ber creative, right-brained brother then picked up my textbook, read through it once, and calmly explained the meaning of the words and what I was meant to see. (Spoiler alert: not at all about her stupid hair.) In addition to forming an agreement with my brother that he’d help me survive Comp Lit, I also discovered that I despised overly metaphorical works of art.

Nocturnal Animals is a two-hour excessively metaphorical work of art. Continue reading

Mr. Holmes

Mr. HomesDirector: Bill Condon
Run Time: 1h 44m
Stars: 4.0

Mr. Holmes is a simple film that doesn’t rely on extravagance. Instead it focuses on revealing the man behind the legend and what it looks like when a brilliant mind starts slipping away. It may sound depressing but I assure you, this is a delightful film. Continue reading