The Hitman’s Bodyguard

Hitman's Bodyguard, TheDirector: Patrick Hughes
Run Time: 1h 58m
MPAA: R
Stars: 3.5

Darius: I will bust a cap in your a**!
Michael: Have you ever said “please”?
Darius: PLEASE, MOTHERF*****!
Michael: WHY ARE WE ALWAYS YELLING!?

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The Mummy (2017)

Mummy, TheDirector: Alex Kurtzman
Run Time: 1h 50m
MPAA: PG-13
Stars: 2.0

Technically there is a mummy in this summer popcorn flick — and I guess hooray for female representation in the underworld or whatever. But she’s just one of MANY parts. Too many parts. Like, soooooo many parts! Continue reading

Wonder Woman

Wonder WomanDirector: Patty Jenkins
Run Time: 2h 21m
MPAA: PG-13
Stars: 4.5

Me before Wonder Woman: …but I’m not a feminist…
Me after Wonder Woman: …AND WOMEN ARE EVERYTHING! WE WILL SAVE HUMANITY AND RESTORE PEACE, LOVE, AND UNDERSTANDING! OVERCOMING THE ‘NO MAN’S LANDS’ OF OUR TIME WILL BE OUR QUEST AND WE WILL SUCCEED IN ALL OUR BAD*** FEMALE GLORY!…

Before Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, First of Her Name, the Unburnt, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Dragons…there was Diana of Themyscira, daughter of Hippolyta, Queen of the Amazons. And you bet your a** she’s a muthaf*****’ treasure! Continue reading