Justice League

Justice LeagueDirector: Zack Snyder
Run Time: 2h
Stars: 2.0

Well. It wasn’t as bad as Suicide Squad. So there’s that.

Just like Tony Stark, turns out rich-b*tch Batman (Ben Affleck) has a heart after all. Superman’s death hit him right in his cardiovascular gonads and he vows to finish what Superman started: peace. And he couldn’t have picked a better time! Turns out there’s an ancient alien being of apocalyptic proportions out to destroy the Earth. And good thing he has a bad*** name like Steppenwolf! [Just kidding, his name sucks.] Batman and Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot) decide they need help so they recruit: super-speedy-nobody Barry ‘The Flash’ Allen (Ezra Miller), not-so-human Victor ‘Cyborg’ Stone (Ray Fisher), and merman-without-a-tail Arthur ‘Aquaman’ Curry (Jason Momoa). Steppenwolf (Ciarán Hinds) needs only to acquire and reassemble three Mother Boxes hidden around the planet by ancient civilizations. In between group therapy sessions, our heroes will do everything in their power to stop the impending doom Steppenwolf promises to unleash. Bet you’ll never guess the ending!

Let’s start with Steppendouche. I am so unbelievably sick of alien adversaries. We’ve literally watched superheroes destroy entire cities to battle these superior beings. And now we’re gonna do it some more. Just stop already! You want to know why the Joker was such an amazing villain? [I mean, besides Christopher Nolan’s direction and Heath Ledger’s magic.] At the end of the day, he was just… a dude. He didn’t have powers. He didn’t have an army. He didn’t come from another planet. He was simply a man with a twisted mind who was a master manipulator. Let’s have some more of that shall we? Also, I’d like to state for the record that DC needs to be investigated for the potential theft of the CGI that created the Beast in Disney’s live-action remake earlier this year. These two gnarly gents could be brothers. Or at least cousins. Because that mug looks a little familiar, am I right?

Justice League - CGI

While we’re on the CGI subject, I would have been less angry if Superman miraculously grew a mustache for his appearance in this film than to have his lip CGI’d smooth. Apparently Henry Cavill was working on another film that required a mustache. Zack Snyder decided the best and most appropriate course of action was to digitally remove it. From someone who has had to Photoshop her husband’s face, including mouth, for a wedding photo disaster (don’t f***ing ask), I have to attest this is infuriating and pointless. That’s TWO strikes minimum on the CGI front, Justice League!

Now, the world fell in love with Gal Gadot last year with her solo Wonder Woman performance. Don’t worry. She’s still flawless and the best damn thing about Justice League. Ben Affleck is a great Bruce Wayne/Batman and I only get irritated with his lengthy speeches addressing absolutely nothing to whoever will listen. But that’s the writer’s fault, not Affleck’s. Ezra Miller is a gift from the heavens and he was a shining light alongside Gadot. Jason Momoa is an awesome dude. But he’s also the Aubrey Plaza of brooding action stars. (For those who don’t know the analogy: he basically just plays himself onscreen in every role he’s ever had. I bet Khal Drogo wasn’t even that big of a stretch.) Needless to say, his Instagram is more riveting than his Aquaman performance. And you’ll forget Ray Fisher is even in this until the plot needs a way to bridge a gap. Put them together and what have you got? Bibbity bobbity blah. The chemistry between the players is nonexistent. They do a helluva lot of talking and participate in the occasional battle but it’s the same song and dance set on ‘repeat.’

Between the exhausted ancient alien villain and the lackluster league, I’m pretty sure this film has cemented the DC’s attempt to give me mental carpal tunnel. I’m sorry, Batman, but I wanna break up.

There was nothing new or original to see here. The characters we are introduced to aren’t enough to maintain your interest for the entirety of the film’s run time. It gets really old, really quick. I won’t be adding this to my list of must-haves, and you shouldn’t either.

Batman at his best was under the watchful eye of Christopher Nolan. And the Joker was never as menacing as the late, great Heath Ledger. Do yourself a favor and go watch The Dark Knight to remember a time when DC could be epic without going intergalactic.


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