The Snowman

Snowman, TheDirector: Tomas Alfredson
Run Time: 1h 59m
Stars: 1.5

Bahahahahahahahaha!!! This is the worst.

Chronically drunk detective, Harry Hole (Michael Fassbender) — yes, that’s his name — accidentally starts investigating the disappearance of a woman that is somehow connected to an ominous threat he received from The Snowman. He’s [sort of] aided by the squad’s newest transfer, Katrine Bratt (Rebecca Ferguson) — and yes, she really is one. They jump to conclusions, luck out, and miss blatantly obvious clues while over-analyzing others. Meanwhile, a couple more people turn up dead and somehow it’s all connected to a government conspiracy about hosting the Olympics… and daddy issues…and was that Val Kilmer?!?

If you go into The Snowman expecting a comedy, you might have a good time. If you go in expecting the dramatic crime thriller they marketed it to be, you’ll be sorely disappointed.

Let’s start with the basics. The plot was horrendous. It didn’t make sense, it didn’t flow, and it had no point. There was nothing we were working towards. Unmasking the killer is the only semblance of logic we are given, but it takes a backseat to a million other story lines that promise to tie together but never do. Everything is a clusterf*** of schizophrenic b*tch slaps to your IQ.

Allegedly the plot problems stem from production issues. The director claims there were pages and pages of script that never even made it to film. The unfilmed scenes coupled with a rushed shoot schedule are ultimately what gave us this failed attempt at a decent story. However, my unforgiving soul doesn’t care. Why would you put a movie out there with your name attached to it if you weren’t happy with it? Why would you allow your project to get steamrolled to the point of no recognition? And why would you cop-out after you heard it was bombing at the box office to point fingers? Look in a mirror, dude. You signed off on this at some point. I’m so sick of the blame game in Hollywood about why a movie is a total disaster with audiences.

Speaking of total disaster: Val Kilmer was in this movie according to the credits. There was a guy who sort of looked like Val Kilmer and John Travolta birthed a wax dummy. It was like they couldn’t get the real Kilmer but found a coked-up bar fly to pass of as the physical appearance of Val Kilmer. But maybe he didn’t speak English or something because they got someone else to dub in all of his lines. Except he sounds nothing like Val Kilmer. And the audio was totally out of sync! Like BLATANTLY out of sync. The first time Wax Kilmer opened his mouth I looked at my husband quizzically because I seriously thought the audio track skipped. Maybe that’s why his dialogue was cut down to 10 lines?

And before you think I’m just ripping on Val Kilmer, Chloë Sevigny plays a set of twins. Like both twins. Each twin. But not at the same time! Because that would be too confusing. And cost too much money. No, we’ll just have her change clothes between takes and introduce herself with a different name. Mmkay.

You know what else sucked? Everything, honestly. But the killer! I won’t spoil it, don’t worry. I should because I care for your well-being, but I won’t. While I admit I did not see “the twist” coming, it presented more problems than it answered. The man behind the notes didn’t fit the profile. Regardless of reason or motive, it was trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

Michael Fassbender somehow managed to give a solid performance through the crapfest he was surrounded by. It’s not the first time he’s done this of course. Perhaps he enjoys the challenge? Like, if he can act his heart out in a role that requires no heart…somehow that’s impressive. But it’s not. I used to think Fassbender was a gifted actor, but lately I’ve been questioning this fact. Being the best in a B-rated slasher flick isn’t anything to be proud of.

Actually, to call this film a slasher flick is an insult to the genre. There is absolutely no reason why The Snowman should’ve been rated R. There wasn’t a lot of language, and the blood we see is strictly aftermath. Every death happens off screen. The camera even cuts away right before a woman gets slapped! We. See. Nothing. Actually, that’s not true. We see a nipple once. My bad.

At the end of the day, The Snowman is sloppy, lazy, and I don’t care enough to come up with a third adjective. It’s just bad. Please don’t watch this. Just turn on Lifetime.

I have a hunch that anyone who was a fan of The Girl on the Train would like The Snowman. They’re on the same plane in my book. Ironically, they both star Rebecca Ferguson.

But there’s a different girl who helped solve a missing persons case. And she damn sure earned her R-rating. She was The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I’m a huge fan of the Swedish original, but the American remake will suffice if you’re not a fan of subtitles. [Warning: NOT suitable for children. Or mothers. Or Sunday School teachers.]


2 thoughts on “The Snowman

  1. Kilmer was so bizarre. Apparently he was recovering from cancer surgery and couldn’t speak. And they decided to keep him in the film. So weird.

    Have you seen the latest “gotcha” from Moviepass? In their latest TOS it says that they reserve the right to change your plan details (re: fees) if you see “too many” movies. Hahah.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m all for keeping someone in a movie. But at the very least they could’ve synced up the audio.

      And yes I did see MoviePass’s latest scheme. Such a terrible company to be offering such a great service. My husband actually just signed up since the price dropped to $10. Now to see how long it takes them to congratulate me on my new 300% price increase for being a loyal member!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s