Independence Day: Resurgence

Independence Day - ResurgenceDirector: Roland Emmerich
Run Time: 2 Long
MPAA: PG-13
Stars: 0.5

We had twenty years to make a great movie. Wtf happened?

It will be difficult to logically encapsulate my hatred for this movie because logic was omitted from its entirety. I will abandon my usual ‘spoiler free’ stance and spoil the hell out of things without apologizing. I will give you a heads up to skip a paragraph or two but I’m doing you a favor by providing the information. A huge, $12+, 120-minute favor. What a sh*tfest. Continue reading

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Independence Day

Independence DayDirector: Roland Emmerich
Run Time: 2h 25m
MPAA: PG-13
Stars: 4.0

Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. “Mankind.” That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom… Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution…but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!

Pres. Thomas Whitmore

Perhaps my most favorite speech in cinematic history. Continue reading

Central Intelligence

Central IntelligenceDirector: Rawson Marshall Thurber
Run Time: 1h 54m
MPAA: PG-13
Stars: 3.0

Usually people tell you to be nice to the geeks in high school because they’ll end up handling your taxes or inventing the next big technological advance. You’ll want them as allies. On some rarer occasions, those same geeks might end up being crazy CIA agents who are trying to save the world. Continue reading

Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping

Popstar - Never Stop Never StoppingDirectors: Akiva Schaffer & Jorma Taccone
Run Time: 1h 27m
MPAA: R
Stars: 3.5

Have you ever wished there was a way to package up everything that’s wrong and absurd about celebrity status today and mock it for 90 whole minutes? Your wish has been granted. It’s called Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping. Because why wouldn’t it be? Continue reading